So here I am. In Cleveland. Cleveland. The place to which I am moving. For two years. Two long snowy years. Am I freaking out? Only a little. Am I overreacting? Probably a lot. Grad school is big and scary and something that I am not so secretly anymore wondering if I’m unprepared for but the thing that hurts the worst and scares me the most is that I am going to be here and my family is going to be 1200 miles away in Texas.
My family is leaving me here. Leaving me alone. For my undergraduate degree I lived at home. Not my preferred way to make it through college but I saved a lot of money and hassle by doing so. So here I am at 23 about to move out for the first time. Is it lame that I miss my mom and dad already? that I miss hanging out with my sisters already? that I am waiting until my family leaves tomorrow to find a quiet place to cry by myself? Is that weird or immature of me? Do we ever out grow this feeling of abandonment when we watch our families drive away? I managed to survive a whole semester in another country but the prospect of two years in Northern Ohio scares the heck out of me.
At what point do we become “adults,” and why does that word suggest that we should be emotionless? Does it make me less of an adult to want to stay with my family, to hate the idea of being without them? I’m not just leaving my sisters I am leaving my best friends, my closest advisers, my roommates for the last 20 odd years of our lives. Will I ever feel “old” enough to handle this or is the key to being an adult hiding what we feel long enough to find a bathroom to cry in?
I may delete this post tomorrow but for tonight let me just say that I’m scared. I’m afraid of being alone without them and I don’t like it.